My last post was in November. Time has just whizzed by since then. I suppose thats kind of normal for December with all the festive stuff going on.
I spent some time in hospital in December though and the recovery from the latest procedures they did there took longer than anticipated. So the pre-Christmas festive things like special baking or Advent Sundays didn’t really get on their way until they were nearly over. I think we only started lighting candles the four candles (no wreath this year) around the 20th of December. It was my way of kickstarting the festive season. It worked though. Now that the house is warmer we get to use the living room again and that really made all the difference this Christmas. I even went out and got us a tree. Once that was up and decorated (a day after I started lighting candles) we both got into the mood. So we went shopping for some festive cooking and some more creature comforts.
I also started new meds and that really affected my energy levels. My running basically came to a complete stand still. I clocked a miserable 15 km in all of December. I also found the time in hospital really difficult. It’s not just the poking and prodding or the lack of sleep and the procedures and anaesthetics drugs. It’s the pessimism and negative energy I struggle with most. You go in feeling pretty decent or even great. Like in June, I had just done my second HM. I felt like some super hero – well, ok. Maybe, let’s settle for ‘fitter than most people around me’ including doctors and nurses. But I felt good. And though my energy levels were lower than in June this time around, I still felt ok. And afterwards I felt like shit. I felt ill, terminally ill and I spent the first couple of weeks back home thinking about t*** and dooms day prognosis and all the negative outcomes. And it was doing my head in and breaking my spirits.
Then it hit me that it was me. I was doing that! All by myself. I was internalising the negativity I had picked up in the hospital and churning it and cranking it up and let it take over to a point that I was making myself miserable. And so I decided to stop.
I’ve done this before. Seven years ago I had a terrible prognosis and I was genuinely really ill and I came back from that. And now I’ve decided to do it again. I’m not nearly as ill as I was then but I still have secondary problems that are pretty serious. So it’s time to roll up my sleeves so to speak and get working on this. I intend to keep all my bits and heal and live with what I have to the best of my abilities to a ripe old age. Maybe I will never run a marathon, but the HM distance is fine by me. Maybe I can’t change everything with just a positive mental attitude and expectation. I can live a happy life though and I can stack the odds in my favour. I believe in the powers that have been vested in me. I know how important running has become for me. I feel so much better when I run. I feel sane and alive and capable. And that boost in confidence I get helps me to engage in my own life, take charge, work and overcome.
I think I will make ‘overcome’ one of my focus words for the coming year.
Just to complete the log:
Time: 37 min
An easy road run to the Anchor in the pouring rain! I was desperate to get out and really didn’t give a damn about the rain. I did get completely drenched. it was my first run post hospital and on beta blockers.
Distance: 9.81 km
Time: 1:20 estimate
Lots of stopping and a bit of walking during this run. Met Jimmy and named his puppy (Henry) and later Vanessa who was out looking for her dogs.
Did one more run attempt on the 29/12/15 but aborted after 250 m because I felt terribly lightheaded just running downhill. Bad idea after having just upped my dose of the beta blockers.
I did go for one long walk (about 8 km) on the 30th December just to get out of the house.