acceptance – I lost this race

First I wrote the words: I lost the race but then I corrected it immediately to this race.

This morning, the 10th of March 2010 I came to the realisation that Fionn will have been my one shot deal at making, carrying and birthing a child. He will remain an only child. And he is dead. And I will remain mother of one dead child.

Why this now, you ask? Yesterday the doctors have told me my health takes priority now. I have to start taking drugs which will not permit me to become pregnant again. I can no longer justify or sacrifice my own health to chance another pregnancy.

So I will not reach the finish line. I will not win this prize, I will go home empty handed. And it is like one year, 8 months and 15 days ago.

you leave behind
my broken heart
and happy memories too

I never wanted memories
I only wanted you
(author unknown to me, sorry)

Today, I lost hope. Today I understand there is more pain after loosing a child.

But I will get up this morning, make some hot chocolate for myself, breath, put one foot in front of the other and keep living. Because that’s all there is left to do. And I intend to live happy and well. But just for the record: Fuck you, God, power of the universe, if you’re out there. Fuck you!


26 Responses to “acceptance – I lost this race”

  • Skytimes Says:

    Oh, my Dear. I’ll kick Universe’s butt, too. Over and over, just for you. I’m sorry to hear that but I agree with the doctors: your health is first. Glad you’re in good medical hands – and soon to be home again. The poem brought tears to my eyes. Lovely.

    Big hug! xx

  • Barbara Says:

    Of course your health comes first but oh shit and bollocks and a million billion fuck you’s to the universe. (apologies for language but that was the clean version).

    I’m so so sorry.

    xxx

  • Maddie Says:

    I am so sorry. About Fionn and that he will remain an only child.

    Maddie x

  • Tina Says:

    oh Ines…I have tears for you my dear friend. I am so sorry…I don’t even know what to say other than that. I have been struggling too (for different reasons) and your last 2 sentences resonate with me, although I don’t know if I would ever be brave enough to write those words or say them out loud. You will get through this and live happy and well, just as you said. Sending you lots of love..xx

  • Angie Says:

    Oh, Ines…I’m crying with you. I am here for you, love, when you are ready. Until then, just know my love is with you. Always. XO

  • AngieC Says:

    I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and would do anything to be able to change the universe for you right now. I wish I could change it for all of us.

    For what it’s worth, sending you much love…

  • amy Says:

    I’m sorry Ines. Sending tons of love and hugs to you and giving the universe the big fat finger. I’ll send you a copy of the letter I wrote to the universe Saturday. Thinking of you as pain has found you again.

  • Leah Says:

    My heart is aching for you. A good “Fuck you” to the powers that be is definitely in order. Why do bad things happen to good people? The question I so struggle with. Because I have never even met you, but I KNOW you are good and strong and I am so sorry to hear this news. And I am thinking of you and praying for your health.

  • Sophie Says:

    Yep. Definately a giant ‘fuck you’ to the universe. I am so sorry. :(

  • afteriris Says:

    No. This just seems so terribly unfair. I’m sorry my lovely friend. So, so sorry. Sending you so much love xx

  • Catherine W Says:

    Oh sweet Ines. I am so very sorry. My heart breaks for you. I just don’t understand this life, it is so horribly unjust.

    May you live happy and well. I trust and hope that you will.

    But I’ll have to join you in the last line.
    Fuck you, powers that be.
    I hardly ever swear but, on this occasion, nothing else will do. xo

  • Sally Says:

    I’m here via Barb’s blog.
    I am so desperately sorry.
    All my love to you, Ines.

  • Kara's Mom Says:

    Oh Ines, I’m so, so sorry. It is so unfair. I so wish things were different for you & J. I love you guys with all my heart. xxoo

  • Carly Says:

    Ines,

    Just all my love to you today and every day. I have no words of help. Nothing will help. Know you are loved, held and thought of.

    XXXXX

  • Bir Says:

    Ines, I feel so sad right now, after reading your post. A big ‘fuck you’ to the universe especially for you, but you can be guaranteed that there is a lot of personalised force behind it from the rest of us! Thinking of you xx

  • Two Kayaks Says:

    I am so very sorry. So very sorry.
    LFCA

  • Potty Mouth Mommy Says:

    here from LFCA

    A big fuck you to the universe indeed. I am heartbroken to hear of your situation. So very sorry.

  • Delenn Says:

    Here from LFCA. I am so sorry–it is so totally fucking unfair.

  • Alexicographer Says:

    Here from LFCA. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve had to table your plans to grow your family. As Potty Mouth Mommy says above me, a big fuck you to the universe, indeed. That stinks.

  • Monique Says:

    Ines, I am just so sorry. I am swearing along with you and sending much love.

  • once a mother Says:

    im so sorry xx keeping you in my thoughts. the universe can be real shit sometimes.

  • aliza Says:

    my heart is with you ines. sending you love and saying a big fat fuck you to the universe as well. life can just be so damn unfair.
    xoxo

  • Mommy-In-Waiting Says:

    My heart just aches for you. I cannot begin to imagine the place you find yourself in. But I am thinking of you and wishing you lots of love and strength to cope with this news.

  • thalia Says:

    I’m so sorry for all your losses.

  • Anna Marie Says:

    I’m so very sorry. There are no other words.

    You are in my thoughts (((hugs)))

  • mirne Says:

    I want to live happy and well too Ines. I just don’t know how to do that right now. I’m hoping it will come to me. Maybe it will just sneak up on me one day. As for the “fuck you God … or who/whatever”, that’s a daily thought in this household.

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