acceptance – I lost this race
First I wrote the words: I lost the race but then I corrected it immediately to this race.
This morning, the 10th of March 2010 I came to the realisation that Fionn will have been my one shot deal at making, carrying and birthing a child. He will remain an only child. And he is dead. And I will remain mother of one dead child.
Why this now, you ask? Yesterday the doctors have told me my health takes priority now. I have to start taking drugs which will not permit me to become pregnant again. I can no longer justify or sacrifice my own health to chance another pregnancy.
So I will not reach the finish line. I will not win this prize, I will go home empty handed. And it is like one year, 8 months and 15 days ago.
you leave behind
my broken heart
and happy memories too
I never wanted memories
I only wanted you
(author unknown to me, sorry)
Today, I lost hope. Today I understand there is more pain after loosing a child.
But I will get up this morning, make some hot chocolate for myself, breath, put one foot in front of the other and keep living. Because that’s all there is left to do. And I intend to live happy and well. But just for the record: Fuck you, God, power of the universe, if you’re out there. Fuck you!